So my sister and I watched “The Lion Guard”, and since I can now say I have SEEN it, I feel I can talk about some points regarding it. Don’t read if you LOVE the thing and are gonna be 'offended' because someone had an opinion opposite to your own. Love it all you want, more power to you -- but don't come on here and bitch that I think this thing is a goddamn messy farce and I wish it did not exist.
The first thing I want to talk about is about some fans’ reactions to SCAR’S Lion Guard, because it is sort of asinine how people do this:
1) Scar’s “Keenest of Sight” is shown with green eyes on the cave painting. I have seen several fanartists so far (and surely more on the way) say this just is going to be Nala’s real father. Because of the green eyes. Which many of them denied her even having (“they’re bluuuuuuuuue!”). This is pure stupid. I am sorry, it is. NOT because of the color of eyes, but because there is NO FUCKING INDICATION THEY REALLY ARE GREEN AT ALL. They may turn out to be, and one of them may be said to be her dad – I don’t say it won’t – but the REASONING here is dumb. I am sorry, I pull no punches with that one. The lion in question is the ONLY lion in that picture with any color to his eyes at all… even SCAR has white eyes. So clearly, to anyone who thinks on it for longer than “omg green!”, the color and wide-size of the eyes is to indicate what he was: “KEENEST OF SIGHT”. There’s no other hidden thing to it beyond that at this point. Especially when later, when Scar is shown using his Roar, he has ORANGE eyes. So obviously color accuracy was not part of these cave paintings. So I roll my eyes at the “OMG!” crew, who do this sort of thing with anything new. “Omg its Mheetu!”, “Omg it’s Nala’s dad!” *rolls eyes* That CAN be your fanworld choice, and I support that, but c’mon guys… seriously. Pay attention to ALL of it and not just the one tiny little thing that “OMG MEANS IT IS!” I kept my mouth shut about that little claim until I had seen what the movie showed, and now I can say: that is a fucking dumb statement. His eyes may not be green at all.
Ok anyway, that aside, in no particular order, my thoughts on this ‘movie’:
2) Kiara has to be the most inept hunter on earth. “Lion Guard” shows her to have been in training regarding hunting since cubhood. That she can then FAIL SO HARD at it in SP makes me sad. Like, sad for HER, because that’s pathetic. And she is shown knowing all this hunting lore and teaching Tifuu how to do it, and so her failure later in life just becomes that much more SAD. Seriously. I admit, it made me have feels, just because that is so SAD. Kiara, you have my sympathy for being made even MORE made of fail than you were!
3) Simba is a douche to his son, and clearly favors Kiara. I mean, we all knew he was obsessed with his daughter, but I had small hopes that maybe we’d have some character growth beyond that now he has a son too. NOPE. He still is obsessed with his daughter, and that disturbs me on some levels. I also find it reprehensible that, in knowing of the ugly blood between his uncle and father and what it led to, that he would then allow and even FOSTER that sort of bad blood between his own two kids. He lets Kiara be dismissive and insulting and belittling to her brother, and when Kion isn’t around, even agrees with her asshole assessments. Jesus this family just does not LEARN, does it?
4) Kion being “fiercest” is a laugh and a farce. He did NOTHING for the Guard except Roar. That’s it. The others run about to ‘save Kiara’ and ‘save the antelopes’, and Kion JUST STANDS THERE. Some Guard leader. Some lion to look up to. *frowny face* He’s also got the standard ‘brat’ personality for all Simba’s kids, although to a slightly lesser degree than the other two (Kopa and Kiara). I’ll give Disney THAT minor point, but it’s not MUCH of a point, really.
5) Kiara’s friends are annoying as fuck. Whiny angsty little bitches. Fuli the cheetah is worse, if anything, and she’s MEAN and nasty-spirited. WHY can we not have a female who is someone to look up rather than someone to hate? Nala has a tiny smidge more backbone than she did in SP, but she’s still fairly worthless. She still only has a couple of lines, and still is more like a doormat than inspiring female character. Disney, you disappoint. Also note: Fuli’s design does not fit into the world. At all. She’s too wonky and weird. Even my sister, with no prior knowledge about this show, took one look and her exact comment was: “What the fuck did they do to HER?” and proceeded to be disgusted and go on a rant about her drawing style. I agree. Wtf WAS that?
6) Question: if Kion cannot access the Roar unless he ‘needs it’, HOW did Scar access his to destroy his Guard? Shouldn’t he have had the squeak come out of his mouth, because he didn’t technically “need” the Roar right then? Seems like we built in a fail-safe to the Roar and then disregard it completely. Just so Scar can… be a bad guy some more.
7) The hyenas. Oh lord, the hyenas. It would appear that there are no longer females in the clan. Why this should be in a species that is female-oriented makes no sense to me WHATSOEVER, but hey – I guess female bad guys are still somewhat taboo. Like when it’s against a female protagonist, that’s ok, but when we have a male protagonist, we can’t have anything but a male villain to face off against him. XP Past that issue, the hyenas are… I don’t even know. They’re lame, that’s for sure. Their grand plan is to sneak up and kill animals in their sleep, right? So what do they do? Come during broad daylight and attack while the animals are awake. WTF? Why did we have this long dumb song about the plan we then do the very opposite of? It’s not like the animators FORGOT when they obviously had to spend so much time on the SONG, so why did we change it? Probably so Kion could show up and not be in BED, obviously, but then why have that plan in the first place? This, kids, is a lesson in how NOT to storywrite. If you give your villains a PLAN, they need to follow it, or at least give the audience a REASON they deviate from it 90 seconds later. Mmmk? And last about the hyenas: why suddenly do they hesitate to engage a bunch of kids? I mean, think about it… in TLK, the trio HAD NO PROBLEMS going after Simba and Nala and trying for murder. Mufasa scared ‘em, but later on, they attack the pride en masse. So… why won’t they even TRY to attack a bunch of kids. Especially when most of them are smaller and weaker than they, and their numbers lesser? We have a bird (not much help here in a battle), we have a cheetah (fast, but physically lesser), a honey badger (fierce, but again, SMALL), and a lion CUB. About the only one that may pose a threat is the hippo, but the hyenas won’t even try for ANY of them. They let Fuli block them and just GO AROUND rather than engage. WHY? It makes no sense. NONE.
8) Mufasa’s ghost. I see people talking about how seeing him again made them tear up and yadda yadda, but not me. I got ANGRY. Mufasa can just appear and talk to Kion when he has what is essentially a minor moment of doubt about himself, yet Mufasa cannot appear to HIS OWN SON for years, when that son is traumatized by seeing his father MURDERED and by his own tidal waves of guilt thinking HE was the reason his dad died. Mufasa… you total fucking douchebag. How could you DO that your son, when appearing out of the clouds is apparently so fucking easy??? Maybe there is a VALID reason after all that Scar hated you so goddamn much. What an asshole! And don’t give me the ‘maybe he can only talk to the Guard’ shit, either. That’s a cop-out. Mufasa is a jerk who didn’t talk to his own son when it was very necessary, but CAN just pop out and say ‘hi’ to his grandson when his grandson doesn’t NEED to be talked to.
9) Lions can talk to other animals, but cannot talk to wildebeest and antelope. Antelope run like machines and don’t notice things jumping on their heads. Antelope also run forever on an endless loop past Kiara, or at least travel in herds that equal wildebeests. *headdesks* Nuff said.
10) Final point. The Roar. I cannot even. Like it hurts too much. Stupid magically appearing oulder mark garbage is so… ugh. We know my feels here, but this Roar is even lamer than I envisioned. Like it blows wind or whatever, and doesn’t last nerly long enough to be scary. It’s like… BOOM!... wind for five seconds, DONE. Psh. And Scar used this to kill four lions? What did he do, blow them off a cliff with his Roar that doesn’t work unless there’s a ‘need’ which he didn’t technically have since we’re shown via Kion that trying to use it for selfish reasons doesn’t work? Methinks this power was not well thought out and needed more drawing board time. A LOT more. C’mon, if you’re going to butcher the mythos of this franchise, at least do it COHERENTLY.
There. That’s my feelings on this new direction we take the Lion King in, and it met all the low expectations I had. It disregarded SP except for Kiara’s existence, and even if I don’t much care for SP, that they ignored it is kind of… lame. The whole thing feels like what it is: an attempt to rake in the money TLK brings them by tossing out a half-hearted endeavor rather than a worthy follow-up to the original. It’s easier to make cut-corner stuff than GOOD stuff because… well it WORKS. People go “omg TLK!” and accept it just because it’s TLK. There’s no incentive to do a good job because you get the reaction you hoped for with less. So kudos to Disney on that aspect alone. They get my mad props for succeeding on so little.
And that’s ALL the props “The Lion Guard” gets from me.